Blurry Reason
by Glare Ruis
Summary: Duo is left alone after confessing his love.. he now griefs over his mistake in his lonely apartment. Wondering why why why? Will his love ever come back? Or must he suffer or get over it? Only chapter one done..


Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing.. I couldn't.. else I would'nt want to waste my time writing on this site and would just go create more comics or anime.. or something! So please don't sue.   
  
Warning: 1x2 or 2x1?? I don't know yet. Yaoi may be in the future, but not in this first chapter.  
  
Author's furthor note: This is a song fic for "My December" by Linkin Park. Which is one of my favorite songs right now and think it's perfect.. in a way.   
  
//song//  
  
"speech"  
  
*thoughts*  
  
  
  
Chapter One: Snow Shadow  
  
//This is my December  
  
This is my time of the year  
  
This is my December  
  
This is all so clear//  
  
Duo slowly walked down the frozen ground. Moving past without a single care as to where he was headed. His thoughts so deep it could have swallowed him whole. Duo winced slightly from time to time as he felt his heart thrum in pain non-stop; almost drowning his thoughts out, but instead help push him deeper into the arms of his depression and despair. Always reminding him of the past. His mind wouldn't or couldn't understand. Snow slowly drifted down and softly landed down on his body, seemingling wanting to comfort in its own way and beauty. Duo didn't notice. Duo was only focusing on his thoughts.. and keeping up his trade mark grin. Winking at strangers on the street and whistling as he made his way. Keeping up his mask. Acting like he had someone to go home to.  
  
*My joker's mask...*  
  
//This is my December   
  
This is my snow covered home  
  
This is my December   
  
This is me alone//  
  
Duo had been down this road so many times that he didnn't need to think about it. So his steps knew the way. Whether he liked it or not to where he was going, he had to. To live. No, more like survive.  
  
His feet brought him up to a old looking apartment complex. Duo looked up at the building dispiritedly. The grey and cloudy skies adding to its depressed feeling. He sighed and moved inside. The door was rusty and the stairs, as he took them one by one, were old and creaky. All the windows, as few as there were, were either shattered or dirty. Only on the top, the biggest of them all, shaped into a half circle, was relativity clean as the city can go. It looked out onto the city, up over everything. Fire escapes below and to the side of it. Windows black and dark(1). The top floor where it was housed was more treated to comfort of the occupant.  
  
  
  
*Why? Why why why? Why did you turn away? I thought I saw something in your eyes..* His mind replayed that thought over and over again, being his only holding back to letting go of the past for the 5 years since The Scene. The one that left him heart broken and lost.   
  
Back to being what his old nick name, Shinigami, meant. God of Death. Death. To die. To be alone and seperated. To die alone. Left to only work to keep alive and to wonder night and day why it didn't work out. Why his love didn't answer back, as people kept there gazes away from him. They knew what he used to be. They didn't give him a chance to move on. To find friends. They were all afraid. Even if he smiled and laughed, they moved away.   
  
There were "friends" who would hang out with him. But they were only wanting attention for some reason or another. Or maybe they just liked the supposedly dangerous feeling that they get. Duo prefered not to entangle himself with those kinds. He wanted real friends, even if it meant he'd be more alone.  
  
Duo felt bitter. *How could I be happy without him? The selfish bastard. Prefering riches to love. Prefering HER to me. The heartless..* His mind kept thinking this as he climbed the last of the stairs to the top most leval. But his mind slowly turned back to despair and sorrow. *..why? What's wrong with me?*  
  
//And I, Just wish that I feel like there was something i missed  
  
And I, Take back all the things I said to make you feel like that  
  
And I, Just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed  
  
And I, Take back all the things I said to you//  
  
As he neared his room's door, Duo sighed and his grin slowly faded. He flipped out his keys and switched it to get the one whom would open the door to "home."   
  
It was messy and cold. The couch under that half moon of a window had its black, fluffy pillows scattered across the floor. The blanket that was to go with this was no where to be seen. The door to the right of that led to the bedroom. Its queen sized bed filled with thick quilts and fluffy pillows, something that Duo started to love since his memories of home on L2 didn't have the things he could have now if he wished it. Back out in the "living room" a kitchen was connected. A table seperated the two. It was plain but had stacks of photos and memberals that Duo didn't want to throw away. Duo smiled slightly and picked up one of the dark pillows.  
  
He fell with it under his chin on the couch. Looking out the window he wondered where Heero was, his love. He watched the snow lazily drift down on the people of the city below. White was everywhere. Billows of clouds and smoke filled the skies as factories and nature mix. Creating one big city of greys and white. Duo frowned.  
  
Duo hated the feeling of being alone.. and empty. But he could do nothing about the first unless he wanted a fake, pushed relationship with someone who knew nothing about him, so he oppted for the second. Getting up reluctantly and going over to the boombox on the kitchen counter. He flipped to a random number and loud- rage filled music filled the small joined room. Then Duo switched it to something slow.  
  
//And I give it all away  
  
Just to have somewhere to go to  
  
Give it all away  
  
To have someone to come home to//  
  
His kitchen was barely furnished, the rest of the apartment was twice as furnished to comply with Duo's needs and wants. But it was enough to feed Duo when he felt like cooking. Which was rare. Duo grinned to himself as he opened the fridge.   
  
*Hmm.. what to eat?* He nudged through fresh food and sodas. He snorted and brought out a small bottle filled with amber liquid from the back of the box.  
  
"Feel like dozing off.. it's Friday! No work tomarrow! No busy schedule to endulge myself in!" His smiled faltered and then he plopped right back onto the couch and looked out the window again. *Where are you Heero? I don't need you.. I should hate you!!* His thoughts swirled around and around making him dizzy and tired.  
  
He growled and curled up.   
  
//This is my December  
  
These are my snow covered dreams  
  
This is me pretending  
  
This is all I need//  
  
He could remember.. didn't want to.   
  
"No! I can get over him.. He left you Duo! Get over it!" He growled again and curled tighter. He barely noticed that the music had turned to loud, rage filled scream and only thought of Heero.  
  
[Flash Back]  
  
It was early winter and snow was drifting down in a light flurry. A small town was alight with fire and singing, deep wild forest surronding the enclosed town. Seeming to protect the town in a complete embrace. It radiated peace and warmth.   
  
Only two figures were wrong with this picture. They were out in the snow. Shivering and wet. No smiling faces on either of them.  
  
"Heero!!! Where are you going?! Aren't you going to answer me?! HEERO!!!" Duo had screamed his name as Heero was walking down the path. Heeros back had turned from him the moment the "L" word had passed and he had looked at Duo for an eternity. He broke his eye contact and proceeded to pack and walk out the door. Duo was shocked for only a moment then ran after him.  
  
"Heero? Please why don't you at least answer? I thought you felt the same way. I wouldn't have said anything if I were wrong. I saw your eyes. Was I wrong Heero?"Duo softly asked to the back that had stopped in its tracks. He chuckled softly, sounding weak even to himself, tears slowly sliding and freezing on his chilled cheeks. "I can sorta tell by how your acting.. but I need to hear it. Please Heero?" Duo winced slightly. He didn't really want the answer. Even if it was to his annouced love to the Perfect Soldier. Just a few moments before Heero closed off with his stone mask and started packing. It would shatter his already weak heart into a million peices. "Um.. if you want.. we could say that it never happened."  
  
"...." Heero didn't move forward nor did he turn to look at Duo. He seemed to freeze.  
  
Duo's eyes became light with determination and panic. "Yeah! It was just a mistake! That's all Heero! A joke! Ha ha.." His laughter slowly died and he looked down. "Erm.. So.. I didn't mean it Heero!"  
  
"...."   
  
"Heero?" He took a step forward. He saw Heero stiffen as he felt his presence. Duo sighed and started to reach out.  
  
"Don't ever come near me again." He growled before Duo's hand could reach him and Duo swiftly pulled away, wide eyed. "I am going to Relena and if you go within fifty feet of either of us I will kill you myself." Heero started going forward with that soldier's step again, stiff and cold. Not looking back once to see Duo go deathly pale and staring at his retreating back. *I can't come see you?..Why?*  
  
[End of Flashback]  
  
It was a year after that, that Duo moved out of that peaceful town and into the smoke filled city on Earth. Desoulute City(2). For four more years had he worked hard to get a fairly run down apartment, enough to satisfy a little comfort of having one of the best rooms in the city and away from the most smelliest parts ones as well. He lived alone and was treated like an outsider. He didn't even try to go near Heero or Relena but instead hacking into the computers of Relena's organization he watched over Heero. He wasn't satisfied but what could he do? Heero didn't break his promises. So he checked on some of Heero's new life..  
  
What job he took. Where he lived.. If he married Relena the Princess.   
  
Duo's heart risen a tiniest bit when he saw that Heero didn't. He's been by her side but nothing else out in public.   
  
//And I, just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed  
  
And I, take back all the things I said to make you feel like that  
  
And I, just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed  
  
And I, take back all the thing I said to you//  
  
His mind desperately wanted to heal his broken heart.. but the pain wouldn't go away. He was alone. And he could've had someone with him.. that someone Heero.. with him if he just kept quiet. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe he made one of the biggest mistakes in his life. Costing dearly to his heart. He could've lived life like he used to.. could've stopped seeing strangers suddenly turn into Heero and Duo making a fool of himself calling out. Could've had Heero himself, as a friend.. but thats better then nothing right? Duo desperately wished so.  
  
Duo moaned as new hurt and pain of abandonment washed over him. He cried silently with the blaring mad music and the cold snow shadows as his home. All alone.  
  
*Heero...*  
  
//This is my December  
  
This is my time of the year  
  
This is my December  
  
Where this is all so clear  
  
And I'd give it all away  
  
Just to have somewhere to go  
  
Give it all away  
  
To have someone to come home to  
  
And I give it all away  
  
Just to have somewhere to go to  
  
Give it all away  
  
To have someone to come home to//  
  
  
  
  
  
(1)= Does anybody read FAKE? Um.. well I love Dee's apartment so if you see it in the manga then you'll get an idea of what Duo's apartment looks like. I adore it more then anything so that why I copied. Cuz my descriptions are not that good. Theres not one drop of caffine in this house and I'm suffering. Don't pity me(if you do) it's my fault. *sighs* If there IS anyone out there... -_-'  
  
(2)= I just made this up.. I don't know much about Gundam geography and city names.. so I planted Duo on Earth in a city thats depressing.. trying to sum up my feelings right now. Bad move huh?   
  
Oh yeah.. before I forget.. which I almost did.. I changed a LITTLE bit of the song. Forgot where.. o well. Told you. That's all that matters.  
  
*wobbles away* God.. I'm so damn dizzy.. hope you like it folks...*looks back and shrugs, then sways away* if theres no one there to read this.. I'm going to puke and I don't care who does review.. Flame me. I need all the laughs I can get. Have fun! Ta da dee do! And if your nice.. then I'll be heart warmed for a long time and thats just as good. 


End file.
